Everybody's So Creative!

why not me!

Whenever I am working full time (or more than full time….surplus value amirite ladies) I am always thinking about all the stuff I could be doing that has nothing to do with making money. I realize that we all do this, because frankly, there is always lots of stuff to be done (DO NOT come over to my apartment and judge my laundry pile, that’s between me, myself, and I), but I’m usually fantasizing about increasing my creative output tenfold, because like, all I need is TIME.

In practice, I don’t find it so easy.

I spent a lot of my life thinking that I wasn’t a creative or artistic person - coming from a family of artists will do that to you I think. Sometimes it seems like everyone on my dad’s side can just pick up a pencil, paintbrush, sewing needle, etc and make something beautiful. That is not my story. While I like to paint and draw, I am not “good” at either of those things really, which I find annoying due to the innateness that seems to show up for the rest of my family. For a long time, to me, art and creativity meant that you were making something physical, and that something should be good and beautiful.

In reality, I have been creating and making art for a long time, although it lacks a certain permanence. I spent most of my childhood singing, and was involved with a youth choir (we actually recorded an album sooooooo, I’m basically Mariah Carey), tried to learn piano and guitar (unsuccessful), and was constantly reading, and writing in my super secret journal. When I was in high school, it will likely not shock you that I stayed involved in choir and did some acting and stage managing as part of the drama club (naturally). All this while thinking I was not a creative person. I guess I always really wanted to be in a band but being tangentially involved in a local DIY punk scene made me lower my expectations to wanting to be a merch girl (internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug).

I suppose I say all of this to illustrate that by the time I was in my mid 20’s and starting standup, I would still not describe myself as an artist or a creative person even though I was constantly writing material and performing 4 to 5 times a week. People would literally correct me when I would say that I wasn’t an artist and I still found it hard to grasp. Part of it is that I think stand up is so personal that it felt like it couldn’t be art, it was just me; even though I felt like other comedians were making art, I found it hard to put that label on myself.

I have more confidence in myself as a creative person now, I mean, I started this damn substack because I wanted an outlet for my writing! Not doing stand up since pre-covid means I hadn’t been writing and I just needed to give myself an excuse to do it. Now that I have all this time on my hands due to unemployment, it should be easy to work on something everyday right? RIGHT?? I’m trying, and that has to count for something. I am doing my best to journal and draw everyday, I am trying to be more diligent about writing for this here blog, and I have started to write down bits and jokes when they come to me (building a standup set for….what? I am not sure).

Not much of a point to this blog other than wanting to put some of this down on ye olde digital paper. If we know each other irl and you want to get together and make shit, let me know. As I keep reminding everyone I know every time I see them, I am unemployed and I have some time on my hands and a song in my heart goddamnit!!!!